Quotes from Larry David

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.

You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.

I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh.

I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.

I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.

Luck always plays a part for everyone, whether they want to admit it or not. I was very lucky, and I know it.

Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible.

I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'

Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.

If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable.

Golf and dating don't mix.

I think Michael Moore is a hero.

In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.

I don't like to make a big splash anyway.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens.

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.