Quotes from Larry David

When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.

I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time. I'd rather give them things than time.

An employee is told that the customer is always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and as asshole

When I'm in social situations I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don't have to shake hands

Larry: i don't really get this fascination that people have with the ocean Cheryl: no? Larry: i dunno. i mean i stare at it for ten minutes and i go okay i get it Cheryl: don't you feel calmer? Larry: i feel aggravated that i am missing what other people are getting.

She was breaking the rules! She wasn't following the rules of society ... The unwritten rules that we have as we go about our day. Like at night, you tiptoe, that's an unwritten rule, you tiptoe, so you don't wake people up, there's no sign 'TIPTOE', you just have to be smart enough and considerate enough to do it.

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

Shouldn't be having a birthday party two weeks after your birthday ... Okay, three days, no more than that though, it's not your birthday anymore! There's gotta be a time, there's gotta be a cutoff point where you can't have birthday parties. You're so desperate for a party that you have to have a party two weeks after? Wait till next year, you missed it!

The temperature in that hangar would sometimes get down to 40 degrees, and very often I had to put on long underwear, which was so restrictive I suffered from an acute vascular disorder for days afterward.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.

The one thing about Hitler that I admire is that he wouldn't take any shit from magicians.

One thing about Hitler that I admire is that he wouldn't take any shit from magicians.

I go out to dinner, I wind up I with a homework assignment.

I'm trying to elevate small talk to medium talk

Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.

I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.

I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.

Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally.

The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.

The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore.

I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.

OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy.

If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not?

When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.