Quotes from Ron White

The Majestic Theatre in San Antone is as good as it gets.

I pretty much give both barrels every time I walk on stage.

Comedy is all about the pause.

You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

Here's how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don't even see me coming.

I don't watch Comedy Central. I don't enjoy it.

I go through about 140 cities a year.

Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.

I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

If you become famous and don't have a live show to back it up, they're not going to pay you any money.

You can't ride home on a bowl of goat.

My uncle was a preacher, and I used to go watch him preach. He was also funny, so I'm very 'preacher-ish' on stage, not by intent but because that's where I learned to talk in front of people.

I guarantee there's people who watch television who have no idea how complicated it is to make a television show.

Movies are boring. It's like watching paint dry. I did a little role in a movie, and it was eight lines. I was there for three days. It's just horrible. Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it's 18 hours of doing not a thing.

When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows.

I would have rather been beat by a plumber than Kathy Griffin.

I always found that the closer I got to who I really am, on stage, the more they responded to it.

I always wanted to be a popular comedian.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.

There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.