Quotes from David Walliams

organic biscuits.

Push!" she implored. Alfie took in her position. All he could now see of his social worker were her more than ample buttocks. "Where?" he asked innocently. "My booty!" Reluctantly he placed his hands on Winnie's abundant bum.

Say goodnight, Eric," he said. "Goodnight, Eric," repeated the boy. "WAIT! I am Eric!

Up and down went the ends of the old man's moustache

Naughty bottom!" called out Dotty, slapping her own rear end. Just as

Ha! Ha!" "Don't let the bullies get you down! It's what's in here that counts," said Sid, clutching his heart. "You are a smashing boy – don't ever forget that!

Zoe's stepmother was quite short, but she made up for it by being as wide as she was tall.

She was so lazy she would order Zoe to pick her nose for her, though of course Zoe always said 'no'. Sheila could even let out a groan while changing channels with the TV remote.

A trip to a Dr Who exhibition ended in chaos when a number of boys stole Cybermen, Sontaran and Dalek costumes and pretended that there was an alien invasion of Earth.

GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM YOU VILE LITTLE GIRL! AND TAKE THAT DISGUSTING CREATURE WITH YOU!" snarled the teacher.

Oh it's just my breakfast, Lisa. A couple of bags of Maltesers, a Toblerone, a Bounty, Jelly Tots, some Skips, seven bags of Monster Munch, Raj was doing a special offer on those, a box of Creme Eggs, and a can of Diet Coke.

Nec quererer, si etiam in tormentis'. Translate that from the Latin, boy!

At first all she could see was a tiny shadowy shape in the corner by the door. She tiptoed out of bed to have a closer look. It was little and dirty and a tad smelly. The dusty floorboards creaked a little under her weight. The tiny thing turned around. It was a rat.

hank you, Miss Midget, I mean Midge, for that beautiful tuba playing," lied Mr Grave. It had been truly awful. Like a hippopotamus farting.

nashin awa wi their een watterin. But naebody wis aw that freendly tae him. Naebody stapped for a blether.

He opened the card. It was from Raj's shop and featured a big smiling cartoon bear inexplicably wearing sunglasses and Bermuda shorts. Dennis had chosen it from Raj's shop because it had "Happy Birthday to the Best Dad in the World" written on it.

The Mini was now trapped in a circular cage of police cars. A police helicopter hovered overhead, shining a spotlight on the Mini. There was no way out. came

He was wearing a short, electric-blue dress and holding a silver clutch-bag. It was a party dress, really, not what anyone would wear on a Sunday morning to a newsagent's shop. Least of all a twelve-year-old boy.

But how had he died? Zoe knew that Gingernut was very young, even in hamster years. Could this be a hamster murder? she wondered. But what kind of person would want to murder a defenceless little hamster? Well, before this story is over, you will know. And you will also know that there are people capable of doing much, much worse. The most evil man in the world is lurking somewhere in this very book. Read on, if you dare…

Hello, Raj," said Zoe sheepishly. "I don't have any money again today I am afraid." "Not a penny?" "Nothing. Sorry.

I love wearing drag.

When you are doing endurance swimming you just need to take in as many carbs as possible to put on as much weight as you can. Basically you can eat whatever you want, which can be quite fun. Everything is guilt-free.

I know some of my parents' friends think 'Little Britain' is in incredibly poor taste. But swimming the Channel? You can't really say anything negative about that, can you? There's nothing better than making your parents happy. The glee on my father's face that day was amazing.

It's important when you're married not to forget those things you used to do when you were trying to get her to marry you. You can't send flowers and buy gifts then, when you're married, say, 'Right, get my tea on'. That doesn't go down well. So you've got to keep that level of interest going.