Quotes from David Walliams

No one knows where socks disappear to. It is one of the universe's greatest mysteries. Either they are sucked into a black hole where time and space have become flattened, or they get caught in the back of the washing machine.

In heart-stoppingly* eye-wateringly* bum-clenchingly* measure.

Your poo-poo-poodle-pops and your wee-willy-wee-wees!

The Italian king of the dance floor has a deep-mahogany spray tan, shiny slicked-back hair and the most dazzlingly white teeth you ever did see.

It's not. I used to take a short

HELP! Someone's trodden on me bits!

The hospital was impossibly tall and wide, a great monument to illness.

The Queen peered down at Jack and mused, "Aren't you a little young to be in my Royal Air Force?

Imagine that. Vomiting until all that was left to sick up was your own blood!

Give us it you little ****," said the other one. I have to confess, reader, that the **** bit was a swear word. Other swear words include ****, ******** and of course the incredibly rude ************************. If you don't know any swear words it's best to ask a parent or teacher or other responsible adult to make a list for you.

All of those words are so rude I wouldn't dream of putting them in this book.

you got your just desserts

LORD FUNT HOSPITAL

Made-up word ALERT

the ice to allow

You are playing Hamlet in William Shakespeare's play at school and halfway through the 'To be or not to be …' speech your Auntie rushes up from the audience, spits on a tissue and wipes your face with it? You take off your trainers after games and the smell of mouldy cheese is so bad the entire school has to be closed down for a week to be de-fumigated? At lunchtime in the dining hall you overdose on baked beans and you do a blow-off that lasts all afternoon?

Magazines like that are for girls! And woofters!" "SHUT UP!" said Dad. Dennis

he thought he was going to be slapped.

You will. Another day." "But Granny…" "Ben, you have to go home." "That's not fair!" "Ben, you must leave now. I can tell you what happened when you come another day." "BUT!" "To be continued," she said.

Have you been eating them?" asked Sid, feeling that the bag was light. "No, the bag got ripped and I dropped some on the way." "A likely story!" "It's true!

Rats are the most unloved living things on the planet.

very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very…

Very well," replied Auntie Flip. "I came ninety-seventh!" "Congratulations. Ninety-seventh!" "Thank you." Flip blushed with pride. "How many entrants were there?" "Ninety-eight," replied Frank.

was a big jolly man, who always had a smile on his face, even if you told him his shop was on fire.