Quotes from David Walliams

pain, though, was in his head. It was throbbing. Hot. If the feeling could be a colour, it would

And still at number one… "It's not just yourself you've let down, but the whole school.

fact, if there was a fire in their house, and Mum could only save either a sparkly gold tap-shoe once worn by Flavio Flavioli (the shiny, tanned dancer and heartbreaker from Italy who appeared on every series of the hit TV show) or her only child, Ben thought she would probably go for the shoe.

Alfred, will you help us?" Before the boy could answer, he heard the sound of bootsteps approaching. STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! "Guards!" he hissed. "Go! Go! Go!" implored Mother, so he jumped down from the bucket, and leaped on to a pile of hay. THUD! There he pretended to be asleep. Alfred even did his

No one could replace Dad, but Winnie made him feel safe. And warm. And most importantly, loved.

Winnie Prophecy Mystelle Passionfruit Turquoise Dave Smith,

man, but it was completely lopsided.

Auntie Flip had written many volumes of poetry:

never allows you to stay up to watch your favourite television programme

Soup of the day – wasp Gerbils on toast Or Hair lasagne (vegetarian option) Or Brick cutlet All served with deep-fried cardboard Dessert – A slice of sweat cake Tuesday Soup of the day – Caterpillar consommé Macaroni snot (vegetarian option) Or Road-kill bake Or Slipper frittata

Shut ya face. I'm watchin' TV and stuffin' meself!" came the woman's gruff voice from the lounge.

But it had been a few moments since Joe had last eaten and he was hungry.

the last few miles of the Atlantic Ocean back to England with all of the jewellery hidden in her knickers. Granny

I'm too young to die.

smiled in a week. "It's nice to see you smile, Dennis. Lisa told me what happened at school. I am very sorry." "Thanks, Raj." "I must say you had me fooled though! Very good you looked, Denise! Ha ha! But I mean, being expelled for putting on a dress. It's absurd! You haven't done anything wrong, Dennis. You mustn't

the window on the count of three. But even with all of Miss Veal's

Friday Soup of the day – Terrapin Pan-fried otter steaks Or Owl quiche (kosher) Or Boiled poodle (not suitable for vegetarians) All served with a slice of gravy Dessert – Mouse mousse

Wrestling was more her kind of sport.

As she took each step a little bubble of wind puffed out of her saggy bottom. It sounded like a duck quacking. Either she didn't realise or was extremely good at pretending she didn't realise.

until recently, it would have been Grandpa tucking Jack in. Now

Granny's bum squeaking again

dining room and up the stairs to

Now I am covered in knickers!" she complained loudly. "I can never show my face in polite society again!

Rabbit Droppings