Quotes from David Walliams

Alberta thought for a moment, and took a live mouse out of her pocket by its tail before dropping it into Wagner's mouth. The bird wolfed the unfortunate creature whole.

Speeding around his own private racetrack in his own Formula One racing car. Some

The Midnight Gang

Brain of Britain!" "If

Run to the local bookshop and buy a copy of How to Learn Mind Control in Ten Minutes by Professor Stephen Haste and very quickly hypnotise Miss Spite into thinking he had already given her his homework. Disguise himself as a plate of spaghetti Bolognese. Bribe the school nurse into telling Miss Spite he had died.

Walliamsictionary.

an enormous stately home. Mr Spud named it 'Freshbum Towers'.

Your friendgirl*?

Nathaniel Septimus Ernest Bertram Lysander Tybalt Zacharias Edmund Alexander Humphrey Percy Quentin Tristan Augustus Bartholomew Tarquin Imogen Sebastian Theodore Clarence Smythe.

grandmother is a fearsome character.

Now, you get on this here moped at once!" The

Never complain, even if you are in great pain.

Mr Erstwhile was found lying on the floor of his surgery in a huge pool of blood. The dental probe was embedded deep in his heart…

I was thinking of retiring after tonight," he replied. "Retiring? This is just the beginning. Tonight, a ballroom legend will be born!" It's official! thought Ben. My mum is bonkers!

But as ever in life, wherever there is tragedy, you can often find comedy.

That night Jack lay in bed, in the place just between awake and asleep. The room was beginning to disappear to make way for the world of dreams.

En esta vida tenemos el deber de perseguir nuestros sueños. De lo contrario, sólo estaremos perdiendo el tiempo.

Oh, I love this one. It's absolutely beautiful!" she cooed. "And you are beautiful for delivering it to me." Tom looked to the porter. The boy imagined the man had never been called beautiful before. "Did

morning, they were forced to lift her up and carry her there. Myrtle refused to walk even though it

The Duchess looked at Chloe with a look that said, You had the chance to tell him, but you chose to carry on the lie. How do I know that the Duchess's look said this? Because there is an excellent book in my local library entitled One Thousand Doggy Expressions Explained by Professor L. Stone. I digress.

At London Zoo, a girl leaped over the wall at the penguin enclosure. She thought that by tugging her pullover over her head, waddling and catching a fish in her mouth she could pass herself off as a penguin.

Fingers and Thumbs

One Christmas on a school outing to see the local pantomime two pupils stole the pantomime horse costume. They were only found out when several months later they attempted to enter the Grand National.

No buts, Ben. No. 'N' and 'O' spells 'no'.