Quotes from David Walliams

Detective Bone

With no mum or brothers or sisters, Alfie had to care for his father alone. Besides having to go to school and do his homework, the boy would do all the shopping, all the cleaning, cook all the meals, and do all the washing up. Alfie never complained though. He loved his dad with all his heart.

This went on for a few minutes, but to save paper and therefore the trees and therefore the forests and therefore the environment and therefore the world I have tried to keep it short.

By this time poor little Alfie was in great distress. The pain of having his tooth pulled out was a

Technically speaking, that means there was a lot of wee and poo in it.)

The dentist followed the children's gaze and fixed her eyes on Alfie. "Oh yes, I thought it might be you…" Miss Root's long, thin, gnarled finger pointed straight at him. "You, boy. Come to Mummy…" When Alfie's shaking legs finally propelled him to the front of the hall, he looked into the dentist's eyes for the first time. Miss Root's eyes were black. Blacker than oil. Blacker than coal. Blacker than the blackest black.

What's the fastest speed you ever went in your Spitfire?

Granny driving, Ben clinging on behind her.

As Twilight Towers was set on the edge of the moors, streetlamps were few and far between.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

One boy dropped his trousers and did an almighty—!" "I don't need to know, thank you!" replied Stella, cutting the boy off.

sitting behind the controls of his Hurricane, taking on a squadron of deadly Messerschmitts, when

Pizza Hut, and then Pizza Express, before seeking sanctuary in the doorway of a Domino's Pizza.

The posh boys at St Cuthbert's had names like Nathaniel Septimus Ernest Bertram Lysander Tybalt Zacharias Edmund Alexander Humphrey Percy Quentin Tristan Augustus Bartholomew Tarquin Imogen Sebastian Theodore Clarence Smythe.

you have nothing

The loose skin on her face had been lifted. Her nose was smaller. Her teeth were capped. The lines on her forehead had been erased. Her eye bags had disappeared. Her wrinkles had gone. Her breasts were much, much bigger. But she was still limping.

The maggots will nibble off the dirt, you muck snipes!" Mrs Curdle would snigger. To dry off afterwards, she would peg the children to the washing line by their ears. TWANG! Once, when Elsie was found with a pet rat in her pocket that she had befriended, Mrs Curdle used it as a ball in a game of cricket. THUD! "EEEEEK!" WHIZZ!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar? rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggg? ggggggggg? gggggghh? hhhhhhhhhhh? !!!!!!!!!!? !!!!!!!!!!!!? !!!!!!!!!!!!

A huge gust of cabbage blasted in Ben's face. It was like a great big slap of smell.

Amber took charge, and ordered Tom to wheel her towards Sally. Then she handed her friend the flowers

Like the sun bursting through the clouds on a grey day, the jewels illuminated Ben and Granny's faces.

The Queen's bum remained purple. She showed it to everyone in the country when she gave her yearly speech to the nation on Christmas Day, calling it her 'anus horribilis'.

With a Spoon?!

I had a very happy childhood, but I wasn't that happy a child. I liked being alone and creating characters and voices. I think that's when your creativity is developed, when you're young. I liked the world of the imagination because it was an easy place to go to.