Quotes from Janet Evanovich

I was watching television and I saw how you stick your fingers in a person's eyes to slow them down. Grandma Mazur

I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, I yelled. I am not in a good mood. My car keeps stalling. The day before yesterday I threw up on Joe Morelli. I was called a fat cow by my ex-husband. And if that isn't enough...my hair is ORANGE! ORANGE, FOR CHRISSAKE! And now you have the gall to force yourself into my home and threaten my hamster. Well, you have gone too far. You have crossed the line!

You've been busy using your breaking and entering skills, I said. I just enter. I don't usually break. You broke down Pitch's door. Lost my temper. -Ranger and Stephanie

It was Lorraine in her nightie and Mo in his cap. They'd just settled their brains for a long winter's nap in front of the television. When out in the lot there arose such a clatter, they sprang from their recliners to see what was the matter. Away to the window they flew like a flash, tore open the blinds and threw up the sash. And what to their wondering eyes should appear, but Stephanie Plum and yet another of her cars burning front to rear.

You could be the Mega Mage of wizards. You could rule Minionfire. Do you really think so?' Yeah, but you'd have to make a deal with the wood elves.' I don't like the wood elves.' They're okay. They're misunderstood.

Omygod, I haven't got years. I'll have to hide in the Bat Cave." "Once you go to the Bat Cave it's forever, babe." Eeek.

You never want to look in a mirror, Lula said. Men love mirrors. They look at themselves doing the deed and they see Rex the Wonder Horse. Women look at themselves and think they need to renew their membership at the gym.

There's a small possibility that I might be a murder suspect Stephanie

Holy Crap,' Carolli said. 'You shot Jesus. That's gonna take a lot of Hail Marys.

When something needs to be ironed I put it in the ironing basket. If a year goes by and the item is still in the basket I throw the item away. This is a good system since eventually I end up only with clothes that don't need ironing.

The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled. Dang, Grandma said. Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.

It's not the pizza, darlin', its my masculine presence. Joe Morelli

God's a busy guy. He don't have time to micromanage. What are the chances he heard that? It's early in the morning. He's probably having breakfast with Mrs. God.

Excuse me? I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. Coffee? I thought we came here for pie. I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here. I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked.

I almost never shoot people.

Valerie was crying, too. She was laughing and sniffling back sobs. "I'm going to marry my snuggy wuggums," she said. Morelli paused, his fork halfway to the roast chicken platter. He slid his eyes to me and leaned close. "If you ever call me snuggy wuggums in public I'll lock you in the cellar and chain you to the furnace.

I got out of the elevator and confronted Mr. Wexler. "Killing is wrong." "We kill chickens," Mr. Wexler said. "We kill cows. We kill trees. So big deal, we kill some drug dealers." It was hard to argue with that kind of logic because I like cows and chickens and trees much better than drug dealers.

My body is not designed to run. My body was designed to sit in an expensive care and drive.

He specializes in virgins! The brush of his fingertips turns virgins into slobbering mush. Mary Lou Molnar

With the exception of dessert, food is food.

Aren't you something, Grandma said. I never saw a midget up close. Little person, Briggs said. And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either.

Nice tackle, babe. Ranger

Does your mother know that you're carrying a gun? I'm going to tell her. I'm going to call and tell her right now. She sent me a look of utter disgust and slammed the front door. I was 30-year-old and Mrs Morelli was going to tell my mother on me. Only in the burgh.

Your on your on with this one babe. Coward. Calling me names isn't going to get me in there. -Ranger and Stephanie