Quotes from Janet Evanovich

Connie, giving her thoughts on why Vinnie's hot temper is less than normal, says: Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.

His pager beeped, and he looked at the readout. "I have to get back to Deal. Do you have any secret weapons in your arsenal? You want to make any last-ditch efforts at apprehension?" Ugh. He was so smug! "I hate you," I said. "No, you don't," Ranger said, kissing me lightly on the lips. "Why did you agree to meet me?" Our eyes locked for a moment. And then he cuffed me. Both hands behind my back.

You need teeth like mine! Grandma said. You can just mail 'em to the dentist!

That's disappointing, Nick said. I was hoping to see you in action again. It's kind of sexy in a violent, perverted sort of way. Gosh, knowing that makes my day complete. I thought you'd want me to be open about my feelings now that we're married.

Don't you just hate a phony-looking stiff? - Aunt Edna

Your cousin Maureen just got a job at the button factory. They're probably still hiring. Helen Plum

It's not a good idea to mess with a woman who has a pimple

Most fathers don't show up with hand grenades and bowie knives. They should be ashamed of themselves, Jake said.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what's love and what's only indigestion

This cigarette tastes like ass, she said. I wasn't sure what ass tasted like, but she looked like she would know, so I was willing to take her word for it.

My mother was about three feet from Pooka. She threw herself forward, grabbed hold of his shirt, and they both went down to the ground. They rolled around a little and by the time I reached them, my mother was on top, punching Pooka in the face. "She's beating the crap out of him," Lula said. "Way to go, Mrs. P.

I shuddered at the mention of Mrs. Steiger. What's that about? Ranger asked. Mrs. Steiger is the Antichrist. Damn, Ranger said. I left my Antichrist gun at home. Looks like you brought everything else. Never know when you'll need some tear gas. If we have to gas Mrs. Steiger, itll ruin my chances of being Miss Burg in the Mayflower parade.

It wouldn't kill you to flirt a little, so I don't remember this assignment as totally sucking. I'm babysitting a guy who thinks he's a leprechaun, and I'm rescuing a has-been horse. The least you could do I grab my ass once in a while.

Not that I've noticed. She looked down at my gun. What a nice Glock. My sister carries a Glock, and she just loves it. I was thinking about trading in my .45, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. My dead husband gave it to me for our first anniversary. Rest his soul.

Ranger slung an arm around my shoulders and kissed me on the top of my head. "Someday I need to talk to you about car care." "I know about car care. I kept a case of motor oil in the back." "That's my girl.

That shooting gave me an appetite, she said. Somebody pass me the potatoes. Grandma Mazur

He rooted for the Mets, he wore Foot of the Loom underwear, and he drove a Buick. His loyalties were carved in stone and he wasn't about to be impressed with some upstart of a toaster salesman who drove a Bonneville.

Holy Mary, mother of God, my mother said. You were being chased by Richard Nixon, Bill Clinton, and a rabbit.

We're not going to die. You're with me kiddo and it just happens I know a few survival skills. Oh yeah right. Like carrying your Visa Gold in case the restaurant doesn't accept American Express.

Think of this as an adventure, Diesel said. I'm from Jersey. I get my adventure on the Turnpike.

I was standing with my back to the door, and I saw Connie's eyes go wide. "Be still my heart," Lula said, looking past me, through the window to the sidewalk. I figured they were looking at either Johnny Depp or Ranger. My money was on Ranger.

As a backup, I intended to get a quart of defense spray. I wasn't much good with a gun, but I was bitchin' with an aerosol can.

Three things cannot be long hidden. The sun, the moon, and the truth.

Ranger shrugged. "Things turn up." He reached behind him and came up with a gun. My gun. "Found this in the lobby, too." He tucked the gun under the top edge of my towel, wedging it between my breasts, his knuckles brushing against me. My breath caught in my throat, and for a moment I thought my towel might catch fire. Ranger smiled again. And I did more eye narrowing. "I'll be in touch," Ranger said. And then he was gone.