Quotes from Bill Watterson

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze 'em?

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it's less wasteful.

If you can't win by reason, go for volume.

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.

Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.

Until you stalk and overrun, you cannot devour anyone.-Hobbes

I liked things better when I didn't understand them.

We don't devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.

Calvin:"It says here that 'religion is the opiate of the masses.'...what do you suppose that means?" Television: "...it means that Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

When birds burp, it must taste like bugs.

That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.

We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.

I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life...procrastinating and rationalizing.

I'm learning skills I will use for the rest of my life by doing homework...procrastinating and negotiation.

I think of football as a sport the way ducks think of hunting as a sport.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive.

Ah, the life of a newspaper cartoonist - how I miss the groupies, drugs and trashed hotel rooms!

I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.