Quotes from W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

Never give a sucker an even break.

I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes I'll get another lawyer."

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.