Quotes from David Letterman

I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

Say what you will about Leona Helmsley, when it comes to standing trial, she's twice the man Jim Bakker is.

Chi-Os were ideal partners for all occasions. They were discrete, desirable, tactful, polite, and fun... Every mom dreamed of her son coming home with a Chi Omega, a woman's woman.

Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.

Every year when it's Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers calm their frightened children by telling them it's just gunfire.

Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

New York City hotels have free condoms in the rooms. All these years I've been using the free shower cap.

I'm on decaf now. What I miss most is the road rage.

Now that we can clone humans they've removed the one pleasurable thing about having a child.

I cannot sing, dance or act what else would I be but a talk show host.

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense.

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

Fine art and pizza delivery, what we do falls neatly in between!

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.