Quotes from Bob Hope

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

It gave dirty politics a bad name.

One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you're God's frozen people.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything.

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.