Quotes from Bob Hope

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

I do benefits for all religions. ... I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

That's life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score.

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.

My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.

Perfume acts as an anesthetic. By the time she floats a little your way, you'll promise her anything.

I can't understand what's holding up our missile program. It's the first time the government ever had trouble making the taxpayers' money go up in smoke.

For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

YOU CAN ONLY DO ONE THING AT A TIME SO CONCENTRATE ON IT.

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.

Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf courses at the same time.

I've been playing golf a long time, although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on the back of a dinosaur.

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.