Quotes from Christopher Moore

War is the lifeblood of this merchant republic.

Privacy is a rare commodity on a small island and secrets weigh heavy on their keepers

ALTHOUGH HE WOULD NOT REMEMBER IT, WHEN LUCIEN WAS BORN, the first thing he saw as he peeked over the edge of the world was Madame Lessard's bunghole. Well that can't be right, he thought. And he thought he might cry for the shock. Then the midwife flipped him over and the second thing he saw was the blue sky through the skylight. He thought, Oh, that's better.

A guy who used to come in the bar told me once that if you go in someplace and they don't pay any attention to you, then start stealing stuff. They'll either start paying attention or you'll have something for your time.

Por qué los hombres nunca están preparados para la radiación tóxica de después de hacer el amor? ¿Por qué no pueden pasarla sin convertirse en quejicas distantes o en capullos agresivos? No entienden que hacerse mimos después no tiene nada que ver con ponerse ñoños; es solo el modo más inteligente de superar la depresión poscoito.

Rum," said Kona. "Too much hostility in dat buzz. Rum come from da cane, and cane come from slavin' the people, and dat oppression all distilled in de bottle and come out a man mean as cat shit on a day.

He was very desperate for Audrey not to think of him as a bad guy. Like most Beta Males, he didn't realize that being a good guy was not necessarily an attraction to women.

you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them. The key—and this is very relevant in our case—is to find someone whose insanity dovetails with your own.

There is no kryptonite for these motherfuckers

How much humanity has been spoiled for the confusion of movement with progress, my friend?

Dressed in their red suits and fake beards, they rang their bells like they were going for dog-spit gold at the Pavlov Olympics.

When I'm in charge, if someone knocks, they will be able to come in. Making someone who is seeking comfort stand out in the cold is a crock of rancid yak butter." "Amen," I said.

but no one is more heavily burdened than a guy who thinks he knows a thing.

from whence you come.

My experience weighs on me far more than my years show.

You're the one with almost an MBA," Barry, the short balding one, said to Lash. "You should know what to do." "They don't cover what to do with a dead hooker," Lash countered. "That's a whole different program. Political science, I think." Despite

The ocean there was bitterly cold, with an average visibility of eighteen inches, and a huge elephant seal rookery at the shore. Through the winter thousands of the rotund pinnipeds lay strewn across Pine Cove beaches like great barking turds, and although not dangerous in themselves, they were the dietary mainstay of the great white shark, which had evolved over 120 million years into the perfect excuse for never entering water over one's ankles.

Things are different when you live closer to the bone, Mr. Stoddard.

But Nestlé's Crunch is a fine choice," said Sam, trying to buy time, and keep the guy from going off on him. "A bit naive, but an undergrowth of ambergris and walnut gives it legs.

But Charlie could imagine, because he was a Beta Male, and imagination was his curse....

It's hard for me, a Jew, to stay in the moment. Without the past, where is the guilt? And without the future, where is the dread? And without guilt and dread, who am I? "See your skin as what connects you

What's morality?" "It's the difference between what is right and what you can rationalize.

Stop, I said. Please do not further endorken yourself to me. You have a great hair, and a car that is most fly, and you have just saved me with your mad ninja driving skills, so do not sully your heroic hottie image in my mind by further reciting your nerdy scholastic agenda.

He noticed some flowers growing where Joshua had just relieved himself. Lush blossoms of a half-dozen vibrant colors stood surrounded by the deadest landscape on the planet. "Hey, were those there yesterday?" "That always happens," I said. "We don't talk about it.