Quotes from Christopher Moore

I would have looked away, should have, but I had never seen a green one. A weaker man might have plucked out his own eyes, but being a philosopher, I knew the sight could never be unseen, so I persevered.

No theory ever benefited by the application of data, Amy. Data kills theories. A theory has no better time than when it's lying there naked, pure, unsullied by facts.

Heartbreak is the natural habitat of the Beta Male.

Top of the morning, Da," said I. "Thou stumbling stump of stink." "Pocket!" scolded Jessica. "Well, for fuck's sake, girl, he's blind in a city where the streets are full of water—how is it he hasn't stumbled in for a bath in the last half century or so?

I may be small, but Im not a child to be afraid of a pretended demon speaking in tongues. Im a lapsed Christian and a pagan of convenience. The worst I can do on my conscience is cut your throat and ask the forest to count it as a sacrifice come the Yule, so cease your nonsense and tell me how you know my name.

Medication and forgiveness can make for joyous moments with the dying—it

it was cruel of her to spend her only time in contact with the outside world telling lies to a little boy, but then, the first story that Mother Basil had told me was about a talking snake who gave tainted fruit to naked people, and the bishop had made her an abbess.

Not the scream of a startled little girl, mind you, but a manly scream: the scream of a fellow who has caught his enormous dong in a revolving door while charging in to save a baby that was on fire or something.

Gray squirrels are solitary feeders, but they know a good deal when they see it, so even if it's against their nature, they'll put up with each other if there's a free lunch. Authors are like that as well.)

like trying to follow a stream of black oil through a maze of shadows.

Once through the door Edmund pulled me roughly aside. The big yeoman at the threshold lowered the blade of his halberd an inch and frowned at the bastard. Edmund released me and looked bewildered, as if his own hand had betrayed him. (I bring food and drink to the guards when they are on post during feasts. I believe it is written in the Obfuscations of St. Pesto: In nine cases out of ten, a large friend with a poleax shall truly a blessing be.)

Jody screamed at him: a high, explosive, unintelligible expulsion of pure inhuman frustration--a Hendrix high note sampled and sung by a billion suffering souls in Hell's own choir.

It is generally agreed, and in fact stated in the bylaws of the American Kennel Club, that you have not been truly dog-humped until you have been double-dog-humped by a pair of four-hundred-pound hounds from hell

Las tres joyas del taoísmo son la compasión, la moderación y la humildad…

there was a flash, a ding, and everything got dark and gooey.

his consonants run together like anal beads strung from hell's own bunghole.

The Beta Male is seldom the strongest or the fastest, but because he can anticipate danger, he far outnumbers his Alpha Male competition. The world is led by Alpha Males, but the machinery of the world turns on the bearings of the Beta Male.

Y'all act like I brought the ladies to the party, but they come on they own, cuz. A door open up out the Underworld, there they is. It's y'all's fault they here. All y'all let shit get so fucked up here they was drawn here like hoes to coke.

he'd replace the window, but the kid was sleeping in his room from now until she was thirty and married to a huge guy with ninja skills.

Who shit in your tuba?

The Beta Male is seldom the strongest or the fastest, but because he can anticipate danger, he far outnumbers his Alpha Male competition. The

at eighteen months, Sophie moved like a small drunk most of the time.)

entiendo que te sientas obligado a defender tus pecados favoritos

Sam tried to think of a quick explanation, but was too weary from lack of sleep to tackle the concept of Las Vegas in twenty-five words or less. Finally he said, "These are places where you go if you want to fuck up your life and you don't have a lot of time to do it in." "Are we going to stop?" "No, I seem to be fucking up at a fine rate of speed, thank you.