Quotes from Christopher Moore

Sarcasm will make your tits fall off.

Everyone is happier if they have someone else to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if they resent both.

Oh, I get it, I said. It's a parable. Cute. Let's go eat.

The Emperor decided to make a proclamation to his troops about the importance of compassion in the face of the rising tide of heinous fuckery and political weaselocity in the nearby kingdom of the United States.

Charlie had Sophie strapped to his chest like a terrorist baby bomb when he came down the back steps. She had just gotten to the point where she could hold up her head, so he had strapped her in face-out so she could look around. The way her arms and legs waved around as Charlie walked, she looked as if she was skydiving and using a skinny nerd as a parachute.

I've won Satan's lottery.

Last time I really got to know myself it turned out there was a whole gang of bitches in there to deal with. I felt like the receptionist at a rehab center. They all had nice tits though, I gotta say.

He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words. That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.

By Aladdin's lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.

Faith isn't an act of intelligence, it's an act of imagination.

This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank.

The hip-hop guy nodded curtly, like he knew that, and despite appearances to the contrary, he had not been trippin', but had, in fact, been chillin' like a mo-fuckin' villain, so step the fuck off, wigga. He crossed against the light, limping slightly under the weight of the subtext.

Let me say right here, if I haven't made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so don't be surprised if you someday find me wandering the moors at midnight, a crazed look in my eye, babbling about albino Tater Tots nesting in Brillo pads and being pursued by sagging man ass, because that shit can happen when you've been traumatized.

That's the scary thing about hope, she said. If you let it go too long it turns into faith.

Oh, I would while away the hours, Wanking in the flowers, my heart all full of song, I'd be gliding all the lilies as I waved about my willie, If I only had a schlong.

Why is it one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere, but one must busta cap in someone's ass?

There's always a bloody ghost.

I know that even now, having watched enough television, you probably won't even refer to them as lepers so as to spare their feelings. You probably call them 'parts-dropping-off challenged' or something.

Only by being prepared for your death can you ever truly live.

And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.

But she's a redhead, so she's probably evil, even at her tender age. I thought you liked redheads. I do. What's your point?

I've got to think that that was unethical, Joshua said. Josh, faking demonic possession is like a mustard seed. How is it like a mustard seed? You don't know, do you? Doesn't seem at all like a mustard seed, does it? Now you see how we all feel when you liken things unto a mustard seed? Huh?

Shoes off in the whale! And don't try and make a break for the anus.

Animals might put up with that smiley shit, but people will eventually kill you for it.