Quotes from Christopher Moore

The netherworld is timeless and unchanging, and boring -- much like a doctor's waiting room.

The angel has confided in me that he is going to ask the Lord if he can become Spider-Man. [...] The children need heroes, he says. I think he just wants to swing from buildings in tight red jammies.

It turns out that one can perpetrate all manner of heinous villainy under a cloak of courtesy and good cheer. . .a man will forfeit all sensible self-interest if he finds you affable enough to share your company over a flagon of ale.

Like most Beta Males, he didn't realize that being a good guy was not necessarily an attraction to women.

He shuffled along with the hang-dog look of the cosmically fucked.

Mr. Fresh looked up. The book says if we don't do our jobs everything could go dark, become like the Underworld. I don't know what the Underworld is like, Mr. Asher, but I've caught some of the road show from there a couple of times, and I'm not interested in finding out. How 'bout you? Maybe it's Oakland, Charlie said. What's Oakland? The Underworld. Oakland is not the Underworld! The Tenderloin? Charlie suggested.

He has the attention span of a hummingbird.

It's like time travel only, you know, slower...

Praying is talking to God. Meditating is listening.

The value of the work we do is the value we give to it.

but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?

Lonliness evaporated off of them like the steam off dry ice, and by morning it was just a cloud on the ceiling of the room, then gone with the light.

She was an alien, really - a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine - and he didn't understand anything about her species.

Charlie Asher: Mrs. Ling, is that duck wearing trousers? Mrs. Ling: Could be . . . . You hear of paper-wrap chicken? This duck in pants.

You want me and I want you. right? Who did she think she was? You can't just go around blurting out the truth like a prophet with Tourette's Syndrome. He said, Well, I guess. Yeah, that's right.

All killer whales are named Kevin. You knew that, right?

Well they're pissed off and they're hungry. I was kind of busy trying not to get my brains eaten. They seemed pretty adamant about the brain-eating thing. Then they're going to IKEA, I guess

Adeline had come to Christianity the same way she had come to sex and smoking:through peer pressure.Thinking about her six kids and her smoker's hack, she wondered if perhaps peer pressure didn't always lead to the best habits.

I think I'm what they call a never-was.

Words, words, words, a million million words circle in my head like hawks, waiting to dive onto the page to rend and tear the only two words I want to write. Why me?

The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis.

Wet towel under the door,' said Barry. 'It's what you do when you're smoking weed in a hotel and you don't want everyone calling security. You're always supposed to have a towel. I read about it in a guide for hitchhiking through the galaxy.

That's a horrible plan. Yes, but I have chosen to ignore that.

Do we still have to floss? Tommy asked. I mean, what's the point of being immortal if we have to floss?