Quotes from Christopher Moore

No one knows why, but second only to eating the brains of the living, the dead love affordable prefab furniture.

OMFGEIGHTPOUNDBABYJESUSONAPOGOSTICK WHAT?

We've been rehearsing a classic from antiquity, Green Eggs and Hamlet , the story of a young prince of Denmark who goes mad, drowns his girlfriend, and in his remorse, forces spoiled breakfast on all whom he meets.

Heinous Fuckery, most foul!

Most of us don't live our lives with one, integrated self that meets the world, we're a whole bunch of selves.

Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say, 'attaboy'.

They want to be tied up, I tie them up. They want to be spanked, I spank them. They want to be called names, I call them names. But try and drink a little of their blood, and they scream like babies. What about my needs?

You seem upset, Charlie. Is something wrong? Charlie: No, no, I'm okay, I just had to take directions from a mute beaver in a fez to get here, it's unsettling.

Life is loneliness, broken only by the gods taunting us with friendship and the odd bonk

I am a romance slut, and there's nothing I can do about it. If a guy does or says something romantic, I'm all Oh, please excuse me, kind sir, let me dial down my IQ and oh, if it would please sir, may I offer you this moist, yet helpless va-jay-jay that seems to have lost its way. -The Chronicles of Abby Normal

I'm thinking of being a professional mourner. How hard can it be? Tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off.

Life is messy. Would that every puzzle piece fell into place, every word was kind, every accident happy, but such is not the case. Life is messy

I'll bet he was myrrh. Bastard, he brings the cheapest gift and now he wants to sodomize me.

So I am death Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast. This is death toast sweety.

May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense.

I was seven before I realized that you could eat breakfast with your pants on.

What is your name? asked Lear. Caius, said Kent. And whence do you hail? From Bonking, sire. Well, yes, lad, as do we all, said Lear, but from what town?

Don't drive drunk. Ever. Don't shag anyone you don't like, or who doesn't like you. Get a look at how people live in a place where you don't. Suffering is over-rated, don't pursue it. Ask for help when you need it, don't when you don't, and learn to recognize the difference. Don't confuse movement and progress. Be kind. Be forgiving. Pay attention.

You bitch! You killed me! You suck!

as if someone had thrown a hand grenade into the middle of a teddy bear orgy and the only survivors had had their fur blown off.

She's evil. Evil, evil, evil. I want to see her naked.

She doesn't understand that a writer is a special creature--that I'm different from everyone else. I'm not saying I'm superior to other people, just more sensitive, I guess.

You see, I explained to Joshua, what Joy is doing is ironic, yet that's not her intent. That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm. No kidding? said Josh. Why do I waste my time with you?

Love? Sodding, bloody, tossing, bloody, sodding, bloody love? Irrelevant, superfluous, bloody, ruddy, rotten, sodding love? What ho? Wherefore? What the f*ck? Love?