Quotes from Steven Wright

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

The speed of time is one second per second.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.