Quotes from Steven Wright

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing

I made wine out of raisins so I would not have to wait for it to age.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

When I was little my grandfather one Christmas gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids, and said, "You two share."

I was arrested for selling illegal-size paper.

I was born by Cesarean section, but you can't really tell. Except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

The student loan director from my bank called. He said, "You've missed seventeen payments, and the university never received the $17,000. We'd like to know what happened to the money." I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave the money to my friend Slick, and he built a nuclear weapon with it. And I'd appreciate it if you'd never call again."

I was in Little League. I was on first base: I stole third. I ran straight across the diamond. Earlier in the week, I learned the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. I argued with the ump that second base was out of my way.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.

One day when I was little, and my parents were having a party, I went around to all the adults and said, "Drink this, it'll make you taller, it's magic." And they all drank it and said, "How cute. How weird." And then I snuck off into the room where they kept all the coats and hemmed everyone's sleeves an inch shorter.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I woke up one morning and realized that someone had broken in the night before, and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this, everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.