Quotes from Steven Wright

I'm living on a one-way, dead-end street. I don't know how I got there.

My friend would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I stayed up one night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently I was rereading it. It said: "Day One: Still tired from the move. Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."

I put instant coffee into the microwave. I almost went back in time.

When I was a kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child, eventually.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed fun-house rearview mirrors.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only two inches taller.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I know when I'm going to die. My birth certificate has an expiration date on it.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast anytime." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

When I die, I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'