Quotes from Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it's going to be up all night.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I'm not afraid of heights, just widths.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

Have you heard the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac , who was pacing & pacing thru the night , wondering if there's really a 'Dog' ?

The Meaning Of Life The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.