Quotes from Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Why isn't the word "phonetically" spelled with an "f"?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?