Quotes from Steven Wright

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

What is the speed of dark?