Quotes from Steven Wright

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.