Quotes from Steven Wright

What a nice night for an evening.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn't doing what I was doing.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'?