Quotes from Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.