Quotes from Steven Wright

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why isn't the word "phonetically" spelled with an "f"?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

What's another word for thesaurus?

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?