Quotes from Steven Wright

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.