Quotes from Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.