Quotes from Steven Wright

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

I washed mud off of mud.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

I lost a button hole.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I was an only child, eventually.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?