Quotes from Steven Wright

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Clones are people two.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

My father was a small claims court jester.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.