Quotes from Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

I took a baby shower.

I was skydiving horizontally.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?