Quotes from Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, 'I want my daughter back by 8:15.' I said, 'The middle of August? Cool!'

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

A fool and his money are soon partying.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.