Quotes from Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

Is 'tired old cliché' one?

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

i busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I just lost a buttonhole.

I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

always remember your unique, just like everone else

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.