Quotes from Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

Una conciencia tranquila es generalmente el signo de una mala memoria

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

When i have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don't know what that means.

I'm donating my body to science...fiction.

Ho l'orologio che va avanti di tre ore ma non sono mai riuscito ad aggiustarlo. Così da Los Angeles mi sono trasferito a New York.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Une conscience tranquille est généralement le signe d'une mauvaise mémoire

I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?

Looking at the wingless angel Harold firmly believed her shadow should be in color.

She smelled too. Like a 22 year old girl. He tried to place that smell but he couldn't. It seemed like a mixture of skin lotion and confidence.

In Ms Yuka's class he once wrote a poem about it called: 'Listen' The last lines were - I know you know you do it, it doesn't matter to you at all you just want to keep on talking a verbal waterfall

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!

I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.