Quotes from Steven Wright

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

is it good if a vacume really sucks?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.

You can't have everything... where would you put it? Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark

Everyone who believes in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I went into a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

If heat rises, heaven must be hotter than hell.

I donated my body to science...fiction.

Write from Beyond what you know. From the authority of your senses." -author of Meditations in Green

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I'm actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything

Harold under his breath: "Ms. Yuka, I would love to kiss the backs of your legs while you were in line in a bank.