Quotes from Steven Wright

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

I had amnesia once or twice.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.