Quotes from Steven Wright

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

How young can you die of old age?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.