Quotes from Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

I'm a peripheral visionary.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn't doing what I was doing.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn't have that much time.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?