Quotes from Steven Wright

The sky already fell. Now what?

I can't stop thinking like this.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'

How young can you die of old age?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?