Quotes from Steven Wright

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

I need one of those baby monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

So, do you live around here often?

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I'm addicted to placebos.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.