Quotes from Steven Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.