Quotes from Steven Wright

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I'm so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

What a nice night for an evening.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?