Quotes from Fran Lebowitz

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

I could not possibly be in a relationship now for more than six days. When I was younger, I might have said six months, although I think the longest relationship I was ever in was three years.

Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness.

Rome is a very loony city in every respect. One needs but spend an hour or two there to realize that Fellini makes documentaries.

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one.

I'm a horrible girlfriend. I always was. I'm great at the beginning, because I can be very romantic.

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

modern science was largely conceived of as an answer to the servant problem and ... it is generally practiced by those who lack a flair for conversation.

I just can't smile at people for money.

I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

There's too much democracy in the culture, not enough in the society.

There is one thing that has disappeared, not just from the U.S. but from the entire world, is the idea of ever being embarrassed by anything.

Life is so absurd now that it is almost impossible to be a satirist in this era.

Now the culture is made of old things, it's a collage. Art made out of art is not art. You're supposed to make art out of life.

I, unfortunately, take the subway a lot. It's not my preference, but it is my lot in life.

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

A woman's quest in life should be to find the perfect apartment. And I have found the perfect apartment. The perfect apartment is the first floor of the Metropolitan Museum. With a sofa.

Everything in Japan is hidden. Real life has an unlisted phone number.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

Success didn't spoil me I've always been insufferable.

Life was certainly more entertaining when people were indulging their vices as opposed to going to meetings to indulge in a new vice: discussing their innermost thoughts in public.