Quotes from Fran Lebowitz

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child ' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

Children ask better questions than adults. "May I have a cookie?" "Why is the sky blue?" and "What does a cow say?" are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than "Where's your manuscript?" Why haven't you called?" and "Who's your lawyer?"

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater... suggest that he wear a tail.

Polite conversation is rarely either.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Violet will be a good color for hair at just about the same time that brunette becomes a good color for flowers.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture, you would pretty much be left with "Let's Make a Deal."

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

When it comes to sports I am not particularly interested. Generally speaking, I look upon them as dangerous and tiring activities performed by people with whom I share nothing except the right to trial by jury.

Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Favorite animal: steak.

Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Nothing succeeds like address.