Quotes from Fran Lebowitz

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

The controversial overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive-you are leaking.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion-picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word collectible as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.

Smoking is, if not my life, then at least my hobby. I love to smoke. Smoking is fun. Smoking is cool. Smoking is, as far as I am concerned, the entire point of being an adult.

[Friendships] are easy to get out of compared to love affairs, but they are not easy to get out of compared to, say, jail.

If there had been a job of being a reader, I would have taken that, because I love to read and I don't love to write. That would be blissful.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater?

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.

I have friends, some of whom are spectacularly good writers, who really want someone to edit them. I don't register that impulse. It's like the impulse for wanting a dog.

there are two kinds of music - good music and bad music. Good music is music that I want to hear. Bad music is music that I don't want to hear.

Being poor is like being a child. Being rich is like being an adult: you get to do whatever you want. Everyone is nice when they have to be; rich people are nice when they feel like it.

I have a hard time writing. Most writers have a hard time writing. I have a harder time than most because I'm lazier than most. I don't want to brag, but I'm the laziest person I have ever known.

When Toni Morrison said 'write the book you want to read,' she didn't mean everybody.

When I was young, I liked romance. But to me, romance is the opposite of domestic life. I just don't want anyone in the apartment, not for longer than a few hours.

When I started publishing, I got offers to write for big magazines. But I would always say, "Well, it's not that I don't want to write for these big magazines, but you can't edit it."