Quotes from Eoin Colfer

The Hitchhiker's Guide is a hundred percent accurate. Reality, however, is not as reliable.

You don't understand!' Foaly objected. Trouble cut him off with a chop of his hand through the air. 'I never understand. That's why we pay you and your dork posse. Foaly objected again. 'They are not dorks!' Trouble found space for yet another holster. 'Really? That guy brings a Beanie Baby to work every day. And your nephew, Mayne, speaks fluent Unicorn.' 'They're not all dorks,' said Foaly, correcting himself.

Now I can do the bolts, she slurred. I've been trying to focus enough magic all week. The magic shifted and swirled, finally etching a picture in the air. It was a rough picture of Foaly, and he was laughing. I hate you, centaur! screamed Opal, lunging toward, and then through, the insubstantial image. Her eyes rolled back into her head, and then she collapsed, snoring, on the floor. Artemis straightened his tie. Freud, he was certain, would have a field day with that.

But even though there were plenty of teeth in the grin, there was no heart.

We lost the crickets, she said. Even you can't make that sound tough. ...I am Butler, he said with a straight-face. Everything I say sounds tough. Now, get out of the lake, fairy.

Hilarious, dude. You should, like, have your own show.

Listen to me, convict. I have not traveled all this way to listen to your war stories. So shut your trap before I shut it for you. Commander Julius Root

Ignorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss.

The miracle of modern science. The LEP pours millions into your department, Foaly, and all you can do is send Mud Boys to the toilet.

Mulch's tongue lolled out, resting on the centaur's neck. Mmm, he mumbled around his tongue. Horse. Tasty Let's go, said Foaly nervously. Let's go right now.

I'm the nut!

Waitress: And to drink? Artemis: Spring water. Irish, if you have it. And no ice, please. As your ice is no doubt made from tap water, which rather defeats the purpose of spring water.

Holly clambered after him, struggling up the human-size steps. Wait! Just wait, she called, overtaking Artemis and looking him in the eye from one step up. I know you, Artemis. You like to play your genius card close to your chest until the big reveal. And that's worked out for us so far. But this time you need to let me in. I can help. So, tell me the truth, do you have a plan? Artemis met his friend's gaze and lied to her face. No, he said. No plan.

What's this? he inquired, none too pleasantly. A circus? No, Julius. It's the end of the circus. I see. And these are the clowns? Foaly's head poked through the doorway. Pardon me for interrupting your extended circus metaphor, but what the hell is that?

Radomosity, thought Artemis. And he felt like weeping.

Butler was seeing the world as it was, complete with L.E.P retrival team

Oh,It's going to be so easy to kill you,scoffed Opal.

Wait, said Butler. Just wait, Holly. Artemis has a plan. He squinted through the green dome. What is your plan, Artemis? All Artemis could do was smile and shrug.

I feel like Alice falling into Wonderland. A line came to him: It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.

Together we will be unstoppable.

If things go badly for me tonight, I want you to stay with Mr. Wynter; he will pay you a decent wage." "Will he make me bathe?" "No, he will debate the matter with you until you decide to wash." "Ah. One of those.

Artemis looked at Holly and felt a tremendous affection for her... he could properly appreciate how fierce and beautiful his best friend was... She is truly magical, thought Artemis. Perhaps her qualities are more obvious to me now that I have decided to sacrifice myself.

I miss my suits...

Why no aggressive action? Foaly squirmed in a harness built for two-legged creatures. Oh yes, why no aggressive action? How I long for aggressive action. I live for aggressive action! thundered Orion squeakily which was unusual. Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round that I may smite it. Smite it with what? wandered Foaly Your secret birthmark? Don't you mock my birthmark, which I may or may not have.